Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
