I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
