It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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