Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
