She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
