I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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