plz talk dirty to me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
