With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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