How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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