totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
