He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
