he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
