We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
