Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
