The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
