you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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