yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
