Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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