do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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