I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
