my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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