i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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