it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
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i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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