My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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