we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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