dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My dick has a subreddit
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
