His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
