it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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