I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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