I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
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there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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