party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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