im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
