I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga