It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
