she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
