Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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