Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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