I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
