allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
