Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
