Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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