Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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