Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
