I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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