I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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