I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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