if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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