and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
two words...techno handjob
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
