Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
