I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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