Nicole vs. Life
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
