You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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