Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize