my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
