Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
