After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
