life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
