how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
