just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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