she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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