made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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